Siblings fighting with each other
A mother learned through counseling to recognize the needs of her children and improve the family atmosphere by using strategies such as individual time and restraint during conflicts, which helped reduce arguments.
Initial situation
A mother of 3 children aged 2, 5 and 6 was distressed by the way the children treated each other. No meal could be eaten peacefully without someone being banned from the table or without the kitchen looking like a battlefield. Playing together ended in tears after a short time. The conflicts took place between all the siblings and there was always one of them who was either innocent or aggressive.
Understanding conflict and resolving it with love
Analyzing together, reflecting, and understanding the dynamics of conflicts
In counselling, we began by finding out how the parents usually reacted to the quarrel. In order to better understand their own reactions, we also worked out what was involved in the arguments – both emotionally for the parents and in the situation. For example, the fact that outings didn’t work out or nice moments were ruined. We deepened our understanding of the children’s motives: What does which child gain from this argument? Examples were used to illustrate the dynamics.
Recognizing individual needs and preventing conflict
Developing strategies to give each child what they truly need
We then looked for strategies on how each child can get what they need without provoking an argument. For example, time alone with parents for a child who needed attention and time, time for training for another who wanted to try out a lot on his own and was often disturbed by siblings, and more responsibility for a child who didn’t really feel like he belonged.
Allowing children to argue – letting them find their own solutions
How parents can learn to step back and encourage children to resolve conflicts on their own
Apart from the encouraging strategies, the parents began to consistently stay out of the children’s arguments and instead encourage them to find solutions themselves.
Outcome
Conflicts were massively reduced when the children learnt that this was no longer a way to gain attention. They also became more confident in finding solutions to conflicts themselves. The family climate improved.
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