Encouragement takes courage

Part 1: Discouraged children

True encouragement begins within us. It gives children the strength to resist destructive paths and toxic role models.

Encouragement through example: the key to raising strong children

In order to effectively encourage children, one must, as is so often the case, sigh, start with oneself. It takes self-confidence and courage, as well as an understanding of the importance of using encouragement as a parenting tool.

Encouragement is the key to success in the democratic society in which I want to live. Discouraged children are the ones who fall prey to extreme movements, who think it’s cool to throw bombs and beat people up, who live out toxic gender roles and waste their talents.

Children should get involved, have a say, be audible and visible because they enrich our lives.

They're everywhere.

Discouraged children have become so common that we consider them ‘normal.’ We don’t recognise their deep sense of loss because we tell ourselves, ‘That’s just how children are.’ In (American) sitcoms, spoilt, rude and cheeky/ uncooperative children are part of cheap sketches, and we smile indulgently at them. On the street and in cafés, we observe families who can hardly eat a meal or drink a coffee without constantly getting up and running after their children.

How many people with children do you know who manage to finish a conversation despite the presence of their offspring?

I’m not saying that children should be ‘visible but not audible’ – far from it. Children should get involved, have a say, be audible and visible because they enrich our lives. Sometimes I even wonder where all the children have gone in public spaces. But children can comprehend situations. They can also contribute and be part of a larger community without always being the centre of attention. Discouraged children demand undue attention because they have exhausted their strategies for making constructive contributions. This might be because we have not understood them. This will be the focus of the second part of this series.

What does this mean: to discourage?

Children have a deep desire to contribute to their community. They want to participate. They want to belong. They want to find out what they are good at. If we do not encourage children in this, they will eventually lose confidence in their ability to contribute constructively.

They become discouraged. They turn to destructive behaviour because this also gets them attention, or even more attention then being cooperative.

If you´re interested in finding out more about motives and beliefs in children, read this article about mistaken goals.

How does this happen in everyday life?

‘You’re still too small for that.’ ‘You’d better not do that.’ ‘I’ll do it for you (it’ll be quicker).’ In a hundred little subordinate clauses, glances, tones of voice and gestures, we convey to children that they do not meet our expectations. This has consequences.

Discouraged children have become so common that we consider them ‘normal.’

Difference: Praise vs. encouragement

It is extremely important to understand that encouragement is not praise. Praise destroys a child’s initiative. Encouragement leads to the development of self-confidence. ‘I can do it!’ ‘I can learn it!’ or ‘I can get help and do it together with someone else.’ Encouragement is like air in the fire of the desire to learn. The child not only learns the new activity, but also that learning itself is fun. The successes they experience in this context remain in their memory for a long time. Can you remember what you achieved as a child? The memory is sure to bring a smile to your face.

Here you can find part 2 of the series “Encouragement takes courage”: How to encourage children effictively.