Tidying up
A mother successfully transformed the constant arguing over tidying up into a cooperative solution through changes in her communication and patience.
Initial situation
A mother with a son aged 9 came to the parenting course. She had already tried out some of the Positive Discipline activities and wanted to improve her skills. At the parent-help-parent round at the end of the course, she wanted to give an example. It was about tidying up. It was a constant struggle to get the boy to tidy his room. She had already tried a lot (threatening, punishing, ignoring). In the end, she always ran out of patience and tidied up for him. She is very annoyed and frustrated. The game repeated itself every week.
Understanding through role play
Experiencing the child’s perspective
We looked at the situation in the group and considered what strategy the boy was pursuing with this behaviour. What is the conviction behind this behaviour? In role play, the participant as the ‘child’ experienced what it felt like to be constantly nagged by the ‘mother’ about the room. She described her response as resistance, anger and resentment. She had no motivation to tidy the room. We considered possible solutions to the problem.
New strategy and practice
Responsibility and patience
The participant decided to have a conversation with her son about the fact that from now on he would be responsible for his own room. If he needed help with this, he could say so at any time. She was able to try out and practise a few phrases in the group in order to go home stronger.
Outcome
Two weeks later, she proudly reported on how she and her son had tidied his room together after he had asked her to do so. It had taken her a lot of patience not to say anything. It was also not easy not to lose her voice while tidying up. However, she had practised on the course not to speak reproachfully or vindictively and thereby discourage the child again. She sensed that something had changed in the dynamic and wanted to continue on her path.
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